Mother may I?

In the circle of life, you end up back with your Mother. At least that was how I was raised. We’re borne to a mother, we live, we die, we return to a mother.

Chances are, one or two of us return to that mother more than once before it’s permanent. No, I’m not speaking of near death experiences, although one or two of my readers has had one or two of those, I’m talking about moving home.

October is my favorite month of the year. October is when the greatest celebration of my faith occurs. I don’t usually discuss my faith on this blog, and I’m not really focusing on my faith, but rather on the cycle one takes from mother to mother.

From the time of the Autumn Equinox until the grand celebration of Samhain, the focus is on balancing life and death, participating in the cycle of life, death and rebirth. It seems a fitting time to return to Mom.

I’m really just sitting in my own little world, reflecting on the poetic irony of the time and the events currently in cycle in my life.

It seems fitting then, that my brother should return to his mother, and my son should choose to as well.

Last weekend I spent with my mother, in her endeavours to come to terms with her oldest child, my brother, returning home. I sat with her while she took inventory of all of the burdens being placed in her basket as a result of her child moving in, jobless, penniless, hopeless. I felt for her, and I grieved with her, for the loss of her freedom, her personal intimacy and for the responsibility as “healer” that was placed on her shoulders.

Yesterday, being October 1st, I dressed the house in preparation for the month’s celebrations. Treats were laid out for guests, candles and concoctions at the ready and my girls giddy with excitement, giggling like harvest maidens. This shall be the best Samhain yet.

Then  today I brought home my own son, brought him home to his mother, jobless, penniless, hopeless. And I share in my mother’s sense of grief, for my freedom, my personal intimacy and the responsibility as “healer” that has been placed on my shoulders.

 Both my mother and I hope we can encourage our sons to come to terms with their darkness, to find gratitude in the lessons they stand to learn and to prepare them for a new beginning as the darkness passes. But we’d also both be remiss if we were not honest with our sons regarding the burdens that are now ours to carry. Neither of us wish to spend our days sorting through the stresses and anxieties our boys have created for themselves, but, being mothers, neither of us wish to turn them away.

I’m a little anxious having my son return home ahead of schedule; I’m anxious of the upheaval it causes within my household, and I’m anxious that his return will interfere with the comfort of things. And I am most anxious that he feels too forlorn to see the opportunities placed before him, to re-group, re-build and move on.

And although I don’t usually post about my beliefs in this blog, I’m inspired by the clarity of the season. This time in my faith, Harvest to Samhain is about balance…life and death, light and dark, freedom and surrender. At a time in my life when I had thought this month would be full of merriment and celebration, the greatest yet, I am awakened to the notion that there must be some sorrow, some grief, to balance my excitement. It’s a fitting time for me, a realization unlike one I’ve ever had before and I’m both leery and welcoming of the experience.

Perhaps it will truly be the best Samhain yet.



  1. MDM said,

    October 2, 2010 at 10:46 pm

    So very true. My wife and I try to at least acknowledge Samhain, as well as the other Sabbats (we were married on Imbolc/Candlemas), and as she has been having some trouble as of late, it seems like she has made the decision to refocus on her beliefs (something I need to do). Now that all my loved ones know about me, I feel a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and I can refocus. Being a healer (in natural skill) it’s time I start healing myself. I truly appreciate your words, helping to inspire me to “get my ass in gear”.

    All my best, and wishing you a wonderfully ‘magical’ Samhain season,

    Melanie Dawn

    • October 3, 2010 at 8:32 pm

      Thank you Mel (I find it poetic that you are a healer and your initials are MD…lol, call me a fatalist?) I’m happy to inspire you, but then, it’s easy to inspire inspiring people 😉 *sigh* This is a great time to refocus. It’s the season for looking back and putting things to rest in order to prepare for a great new beginning. If there’s anything I can do to help in the process, don’t hesitate to ask….for you or your wife. Is she okay?
      And I just loaded your blog and gave it a quick scan….areyoufuckingkiddingme??? It’s OFFICIAL!!!???!!! That’s bloody awesome. I’m SO excited for you. Damn, girl, you’ve made me cry AGAIN. Congratulations my friend, congratulations.

  2. Lisa said,

    October 3, 2010 at 10:27 am

    I hope you and yours have a wonderful time and I hope things go well between you and your son.
    I wish you would talk more on your religion since it’s obvious you aren’t trying to de-Jesus folks and whatnot. Hope you start blogging more. Your writing is beautiful.

    • MDM said,

      October 3, 2010 at 2:02 pm

      I agree, I WISH I could write like her.

    • October 3, 2010 at 8:43 pm

      I’m hoping to blog more often now, and thank you for the compliment. I’m flattered, since your writing is something I consider to be phenomenal. I love your style, and am blushing at the thought that you would find mine “beautiful”. Thanks, Lisa.
      I’m often tempted to blog about my faith/beliefs etc. and perhaps I will share more in time. And you’re right, I don’t ever try to “de-Jesus” anyone (that’s an awesome phrase by the way…lol) In fact, my tradition is one of the few who actually believes in the existence of Jesus. We don’t believe quite the way Christians do of course, but we do believe a certain truth to his story. I’m always happy to answer any questions, and maybe I’ll sit down and journal the basics for those who are interested.

      You’ve left me some really great words of encouragement, as always, I’m happy to know you in this space.

  3. willowbatel said,

    October 4, 2010 at 2:38 am

    Things will turn out well. With a mother like you, your son will be right as rain in no time. A few short months and he’ll be on his way.
    Tell your girls hello for me!
    PS: You really need to write a book. Your writing skills are truly amazing.

    • October 4, 2010 at 9:54 am

      I will (tell the girls hello for you) I’m sure they’ll get a kick out of your latest Eye Candy game! Sara’s latest fave is one of the reporters from, Max Hodges. And I have to agree. He’s not my usual style, but he’s damn yummy.
      Thanks for your comments about my son. You’re right, I can make this work.
      And I’ve tried writing books, I just get bored with them halfway through and figure someone else should finish them, 😀

      • willowbatel said,

        October 4, 2010 at 10:10 pm

        Max Hodges… I feel like I should know him. Googling… I can’t find hardly anything on him. He seems pretty cute though. Definitely got the surfer dude look going on.
        Tell me what they think of River Viiperi. I’m in love with him. And he’s only 19 so I’m in luck! Haha.
        It’ll all turn out for the best. And both of you will be better off because of it.
        That’s really a shame because you have such a wonderful way with words.

        • October 9, 2010 at 9:36 am

          River Viiperi….definitely cute, buuuut a little young looking for me. Ask me again in a few years, I bet he’ll make me swoon. I’ve saved pics for the girls, and we’ll see what they think. I bet Sara at least will completely agree with you, and probably Kayla too. I mentioned your Eye Candy game to Kayla and she said to ask you about “Reid” from Criminal Minds, “now that he’s got his new haircut and hot bod”. You’ll have to look for a pic from this season, or watch an episode.

          • willowbatel said,

            October 11, 2010 at 2:38 am

            He’s only 19. Which is just fine with me!
            Lol, I love your kids. They’re all awesome.
            Matthew’s cute. His hair length is about the same as mine. He’s got a nice smile. He needs to gain about 30lbs though. Looks like you could snap him like a twig.

  4. pienbiscuits said,

    October 5, 2010 at 5:24 pm

    I always thought you were a top bird, SBC, now I know it!

    This is a beautiful entry, mixing the explanation of your belief with the realisation of the obligation you have to your son. You have the understanding that whatever you go through, you will both be enriched at the end of this particular journey. Your son may not appreciate it yet, but he is lucky to have you. I also hope your mother will be able to gain her own victory regarding your brother, which will be of benefit to you all.

    One day in this month that is so important to you, I may find a spot in a park and burn a little candle in your honour (if I don’t get chased by the authorities!). A friend of mine is very much into nature and marking the equinox, so I know a little about it.

    On a different note, I had a quick google of Max Hodges. He is handsome in a surfer dude kind of way. He has a good strong face and I can see why the young ‘uns like him. I would like to see how he fares in 10-15 years. With any luck his looks will grow… as long as he leaves his face alone, if you know what I mean.

    • October 9, 2010 at 9:44 am

      I am deeply honoured that you would burn a candle for me, Pie. Usually, it’s me doing the devotion for other people, and I’ve never had someone put me into consideration like that. Frankly, just the thought of it leaves me renewed, thank you.

      I’m planning a blog update on my son, so won’t elaborate here, but know that the encouraging words from you and everyone else have had a big impact on keeping me focused.

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